Craig's Dilemma
by CraigEffinTucker
Summary: In which Craig has a natural talent for pissing people off, and everyone thinks he's hiding a secret. high school au, creek
1. Chapter 1

Fuck Bebe Stevens.

Seriously. Fuck Bebe and her frizzy hair and her oversized tits and her tacky clothing and her "teehee! I'm such a ditz!" laugh. I swear, between her and Lisa Berger, Clyde has the worst taste in chicks. At least Lisa wasn't a lying, bleach-blonde airhead.

What caused this random spurt of anger, you, the very astute reader may ask? Well, let me tell you... whoever you are.

It all started on Monday morning. It was snowing (big surprise), the sun was shining, Stripe was fast asleep on my shoulder. It was boring and quiet, just the way I like it. So you may be asking, what's so bad about that? It sounds like every other day here. But that's pretty much the end of the normal-ness (that's a word now, shut up).

As I walked into the school, I knew something was up. Why else would every girl be lined up, glaring at me like that? Not that I care what any dumb girl thinks about me, but holy _fuck_ did they look pissed. Millie blew a raspberry. Annie gave a loud "boo!". A bigger, scarier girl punched her fist into her hand. Yikes.

I did my best to ignore them. If there's one thing I'm good at, it's brushing off other people's opinions. If there's another thing I'm good at, it's pissing random strangers off. I didn't even know half of these chicks, yet here they were, seemingly planning an attack on me. When I reached my locker, I saw it was being blocked off by none other than Wendy Testaburger.

What kind of last name is Testaburger anyway? More like Test-my-patience (thanks for that one Jimmy). Anyway, she wasn't happy, if her bright red face was any indication. Her fists were shaking at her sides, and her teeth were gnashed. Not a pretty look for the drama queen.

"Hey Wendy, I don't know if you've noticed, but you're kinda in my way," I said casually, in that awesome monotonous voice of mine. I don't mean to be full of myself, but if I could bang voices, mine would be the first choice. Can you really blame me, though? I know I'm hot, I get told that everyday... mostly by Clyde, but still. The attitude just makes me seem like the sexiest dude alive. I bet half of these chicks dream about being with me... maybe that's what they're fighting over.

Goddamn, I sound like Clyde. Remind me to stop spending every waking minute with him.

Anyway, Wendy was pissed, And Kenny was poor, and Cartman was fat, just in case you forgot. She blabbed on and on about some offhand remark I can't even remember. Something about Miss Bebe Stevens, her majesty. I'm fully convinced all the girls are madly in love with Bebe, cause every time shit goes down, you can guarantee Bebe factors into it. Then everyone has to run to her defense, crying and screeching about how it _totally_ wasn't her fault, and that's she's _totally_ sorry. I'm so glad I don't have a girlfriend.

Token likes to poke fun at me for that. But I mean, I can barely deal with Clyde's sappy bullshit half the time. Imagine having to deal with that every second of your life. That's what having a girlfriend is like to me, just an annoying, sappy bitchfest. And there was Wendy, proving my point. I wonder how Stan puts up with that. Now I'm wondering why I'm thinking about Stan. I could give two shits about him and his "gang"... and _no_ I'm not over that trip to Peru. Assholes.

So I flipped Wendy the bird, which is practically trademarked by me. Ask anyone about Craig Tucker and they'll either say "he's so hot" or "the guy who flips everyone off, right?". Her already reddened face somehow turned even brighter, as she got all up close to my face. Goddamn, she was even uglier up close.

Of course, with me having the absolute best luck in the world, Mr. Mackey walked up to us. He looked more pissed off than usual. "What's going on here, mmkay?"

"Craig called Bebe a cheap whore and he NEEDS to be punished!" Wendy snapped, giving off that oh-so-smug look. I think you all know how I feel about her, but the thing I hate the most is that "I'm always right and if you say anything otherwise, you're a dick" attitude. Everyone always ends up taking her side, just cause she uses big words so she _must_ be the smartest person ever.

Case in point, Mr. Mackey took her side and gave me detention. I flipped him off. Now I've got a whole week of detention.

Mr. Mackey has always had it out for me. He always talks about how my behaviour is innapropriate, how I need to start caring more, and most importantly, how I need to stop flipping everyone off. I swear, someone must've murdered his entire family while giving him the finger, cuz he freaks out literally every time I do it. He should really be used to it by now. Wendy gave the most in-your-face expression possible, and I could feel my cool demeanour start to fade. It took all of my might to not slap her right in her stupid face.

People always say I'm a horrible sexist misogynist, to which I always say I just hate everyone equally. Cliche, I know, but it's the truth. I'm not gonna treat Wendy any better just cause she's got a vagina. Vah-gyyn-aah. What a weird word. Girls are so dumb.

I'm _kidding_. Get your angry mob away from me.

So after a boring day of school, in which Clyde was home sick so I had to talk to Butters of all people in biology, detention had started. Woo-fucking-hoo. It was held in Mr. Adler's class, all the tools were still lying around. Hmm, a bunch of rambunctious teenagers and sharp, dangerous tools. What could go wrong?

Mr. Adler gave me a grumpy look when I walked in. I returned the look with a blank stare. Fat, balding, widowed dudes don't scare me. What _did_ scare me, however, were the people in the classroom. There were the usual kids: Kyle's brother Ike, my cousin Red, a bunch of older, grimier kids, and BEBE FREAKIN STEVENS.

 **a/n: Hey guys, so this is my first fanfic. I know it's not that good but eh i had this idea for a while so i wanted to write it. tell me what you think, maybe give me some writing tips. and also let me know if im making craig too OOC, i like to picture him as a real sarcastic and kinda stuck-up guy, but if i go overboard with it let me know. and i dont really hate bebe or wendy, im just making craig a dick :P**


	2. Chapter 2

I was so shocked I actually said freakin instead of fuckin. That's when you _know_ shit's going down. And of COURSE the only seat left was the one next to her. Like I said, I'm the luckiest kid in the world. She rested her head in her hand, looking extremely bored. I guess I can't blame her, Mr. Adler's not really known for his interesting conversational skills. So I walked on over, hesitantly taking a seat. Bebe's eyes lit up and she gave a totally-not-fake smile.

"Craig!" she greeted with a bit too much enthusiasm. "How are you?"

I kept my eyes glued to my phone, not bothering to look at her baby blue eyes. "I'm stuck in detention for something I can't even remember doing. So yeah, I'm fuckin' peachy," I said, my voice dripping in sarcasm. Bebe gave that super ditzy giggle, and put her hand on my shoulder.

"Oh, Craig, you're _hilarious_!" she laughed, rubbing my shoulder. As time went by, she continued to act way too friendly. She laughed at every single one of my jokes, and her eyes were practically glued to me. I still refused to look back, she was making me uncomfortable to be perfectly honest. It was just all so weird, what's up with the sudden interest in me?

That's when I realized, Bebe Stevens has a crush on me! Why else would she be drooling at me and giving me those lovey-dovey eyes? I guess it makes sense, like I said pretty much everyone thinks I'm the hottest guy in school. But at the same time, it felt way too scummy. She dated my best friend for what, 5 years? And they only broke up last week, so it was all way too sudden. I knew she just wanted a pity fuck, something to take her mind off of Clyde. And trust me, even though I act like a total dick to Clyde, I would _never_ intentionally hurt him, and I would definitely not fuck with his ex. But at the same time...

Alright, I'm gonna sound like even more of a tool now. But just hear me out for a second: Bebe's a cheap whore, that's already been established. I wouldn't be surprised if she's fucked the entire football team. You already know that I'm not too fond of her, to put it mildly. And if I fooled around with her, my best friend would hate me and the girls would get in my way even more. But here's the thing: I've never actually slept with a girl before! I've never even had a girlfriend! Shocking, right? Who would've thought that me, the sweetest guy in school, wouldn't have luck with the ladies? And here Bebe was, practically throwing herself at me. What harm was there in one small boink anyway? I'm good at keeping secrets, Clyde wouldn't have to know...

So we made a plan. She told me that Wendy was too busy to hang out with her, which was actually a huge surprise, Wendy is like a puppy (a purse-sized chihuahua to be specific) when it comes to Bebe. She follows her around everywhere, and does everything Bebe asks her to. Think Gretchen Wieners and Regina George. Anyways, she told me I could come over instead and we could "hang out" for a bit. I think we all know what that's code for... stop looking at me like that, if you were me you'd do the same!

One thing I noticed about Bebe is that she talks a lot. All day she was running her mouth off about all her girl friends, who Heidi Turner hooked up with, her favourite lipstick brand, yada yada. Being the great listener that I am, I continued to scroll through my phone, adding a few "mhmms" along the way. I don't think she cared that much, she seemed as giddy as she always does. She kept giggling everytime I made a slightly funny remark, christ almighty was she obvious. Hey, I ain't complaining. Sex with Bebe couldn't be that bad if Clyde's stories are anything to go off.

Speaking of Clyde... I kept thinking of him after every single 'I'm getting laid by Bebe' thought. I'm not heartless, I've been friends with Clyde since kindergarten. I love that guy with all my heart, if I wasn't so desperate for some action then I wouldn't even think of going after Bebe. But I just don't understand girls; they act all flirty and sweet with me, then ignore me like I'm the plague. So yeah, Bebe was different than all the girls I've met, in which she's the only one who actually wants to sleep with me. I've said it before and I'll say it again, girls are weird.

After walking a few blocks, we finally reached her rich-bitch mansion. It definitely wasn't as big as Token's, but still considerably larger than any other house around here. If the sex was bad, at least the aesthetic would be nice... Bebe told me that her mom was still at work, so we could have the place to ourselves. _Nice_.

She led me upstairs to her bedroom. It was as disgustingly girly as I had imagined. Everything was pink: the walls, the doors, her bed, _everything_. Honestly, I almost got a migraine. You'd think the richest girl in school would have better taste. I guess I should quit bitching when I'm finally getting some action. While Bebe was in the bathroom, I took a seat on her queen-sized bed and looked into the mirror across from me. I looked fucking hot! I decided not to wear my hat today - blasphemous I know - so my dark hair was a bit messier. I felt around my face, my jawline was nice and sharp, which I inherited from my mum. I was still the tallest boy in school, I get that from my dad since the dude's a giant. He's 7 feet tall, and I'm getting pretty close to his height. I was really slender, and though this sounds weird my legs look fucking great.

Bebe came back, wearing her red sweater and matching miniskirt. She took a seat next to me, and said "I have a surprise for you~" in that way too cheerful voice. 'Please be condoms, please be condoms...' I chanted in my head. To my surprise, she took out this small pink box and opened it up. My face fell, and I frowned at the blonde girl.

A makeup kit. It was a fucking makeup kit. Was this some kind of weird joke between her and the girls? "Bebe, if you put any of that shit on me then I'm going home."

She giggled. "No, silly! I was hoping we could share some tips! Like, what foundation would you use, what colour lipstick looks best, blahblahblah..." she went on, taking some of the stuff out of the box. Turns out she was totally serious about this weird makeup thing... I wonder if Clyde had to go through this before his first time?

"What makes you think I'd know anything about makeup?" I asked, raising my eyebrow. She scratched her neck, saying something that caught me off guard:

"I mean, you are gay, aren't you?"

 **a/n: so this is a shorter chapter, its pretty late so some of this probably sounds weird but whatever. i know craigs a bit ooc here, but don't worry he'll be back to normal in the next chap! thanks to everyone who faved and reviewed this fic! It means a lot to me :D**


End file.
